So, this is my first piece of vanity art for the year, and the first to depict my new hair color. (The painting doesn’t show you my ridiculously long roots, of course.) It kind of sums up my current mood these last few months. (You can Check it out on deviantART, if you like.)
I’m super excited that I’m chatting with Sosi right now. Been messing around with The Pillow Game for most of today; gonna catch up with Sosi and possibly talk about art for TPG!
It’s time for an update on my progress towards my goal of quitting smoking:
I’m failing hardcore.
As of two days ago, it has been officially a month since my original quit date, and I’m almost right back to where I started. Considering the stress of my job and my predilection for bouts of depression, it’s no wonder that quitting smoking is hard, but after a day like I’ve had today, it’s not just hard, it feels downright impossible.
I haven’t been feeling well this week. Got sinus fluid in my ears again. Massive, stubby-sharp-pain headaches. No fun at all. Made a doctor’s appointment for Friday.
It’s officially the two week mark of my endeavor to quit smoking. My conclusion?
Quitting smoking is really hard.
I’ll be honest… I haven’t exactly gone two weeks without a cigarette. I’ve cheated — pretty much every single day since March 11th, which if you remember from my original post on the topic, was the day I had set as my quit-date in honor of what would have been my grandfather’s 80th birthday were he still alive (and may he rest in peace).
I started off weak on that fateful Tuesday… I still had three cigarettes left in what should have been my last and final pack. Instead of throwing them away after ceremoniously breaking them in half, I smoked all three of them inside the two hours after I woke up and before I had to go to work. By the end of that first day, I was a complete wreck. I cried and nearly had a panic attack — and then I broke down and begged Bob for a cigarette. I had three more before bed time.
I made Bob hide the remaining cigarettes in the pack he bought just for my breakdown. We agreed they would be my “emergency” cigarettes, for those occasions where I felt like I needed to KILLABITCH. I’m officially coining that word as a unit of measurement for frustration/rage. In fact, by the end of the day, my mood had reached several killabitches.
It’s been a looooooooooong day. Didn’t get much sleep last night for no apparent reason. So, I’ve got a headache, and I’m starting to feel like a drunken zombie. I think it’s time to snuggle.
I’m somewhat ashamed to admit that I’ve been smoking cowboy killers since I was seventeen years old. By “cowboy killers” I mean Marlboro 100’s, of course — as I write this post, I’m smoking one now. I say “somewhat ashamed” because I can’t really say that I regret being a smoker for ten years. However, as the title of this post implies, I don’t plan on being a smoker forever. In fact, I’m quitting on March 11th.
Now, if you consulted a calendar and realized that March 11th falls on a Tuesday, you might be wondering why I would choose this particular date to quit. You might also be surprised that I ever began smoking in the first place if you knew that I was very close to my grandfather who died of lung cancer exactly seven days before my tenth birthday in November of 1995.
Papa — that’s what I called him — was born on March 11th, 1934, and had he lived, he would be turning eighty this year. It just feels right to finally quit on his birthday. If he is somewhere out there watching over me, I feel like it’s the best birthday present I could give him, because I know he wouldn’t want me to be risking my health with every cigarette I light up. I certainly know that he wouldn’t want me to die from the same disease that he died from.
I have tried — in vain — to quit smoking before. This time around I plan to use the nicotine patch, because that has been the most successful strategy in the past. (I also got my doctor’s approval to quit using this method.) If you want to quit smoking too, I would advise you to check out some of these free online resources, brought to us for free by the CDC (Center for Disease Control), and find the right strategy for you.
On a personal note, I would like to thank the people in my life who have been nagging me for a long time now to take the plunge. Especially you, Kayla — and of course, Bob. Thank you for caring so much. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to start taking better care of myself.
To remind me of my impending deadline, I’ve added a nifty countdown clock to my blog. I’m also premiering a new Spotlight Tag, named Quitters Always Prosper, which will chronicle not only my journey to quitting smoking, but quitting all the things that are bad for me.
So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been busy making a lot of changes in my lifestyle in the interest of becoming a happier, healthier Jo. I’ve been to the doctor to address some lady-related issues, and I’ve gone to the dentist three times (in as many weeks) to finally deal with my teeth. I also went to the optometrist to get my prescription updated and fixed, and because my awesome job allows me to afford it, I got two new pairs of glasses. (Pictured below are my favorite pair of the two.)In addition to seeing a lot of doctors for my physical health, I have also started a hand-written diary (which is part of the reason I’ve been so blog-absent lately), and begun the second draft of my first novel. I plan to participate (probably informally) in this years NaNoWriMo with Bob by finally writing The Pillow Game (more on that later), and put my epic masterpiece on the back burner for now.
I’ve been in a downer mood for the last couple of months, but I hope that I’m finally coming out of that. On the upside? I’ve got a lot of new things in my life I want to blog about. On the downside? I’m not sure how much time I’ll have to blog about them…
August has been a blessing and a curse, but I’m proud of myself for making it through despite the negative aspects hanging over me like a shroud. I keep reminding myself that, all things considered, my life is pretty awesome right now.
Ultimately, I’m feeling pretty good about my life right now, despite stress and a few bumps that would normally send me into a raging depression. For the first time in my adult life, I find myself making plans and actually having the means to follow through with them, and that’s always exciting. Part of that has to do with me kicking butt at my new job and getting some amazing opportunities early on for future career success. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment to address some of my concerns with my health and I’ve got awesome things planned creatively to make me feel like me again.
Look out September!
If you weren’t already aware of it, you should check out Some and a Lot (dot com). It’s Bob’s (my boyfriend’s) blog.
I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. So, I find myself blogging from my iPad while sitting on my bed with Bob softly snoring as he lay next to me. I hate it when I’m in this state. It happens every so often, but I don’t really know what to do about it.
I suppose I should be grateful to my WordPress app, because it gives me an alternative to watching K-Dramas. Those are a really bad way to try lulling myself to sleep because I get so absorbed in the story line, waiting desperately to see what is going to happen next… and waiting some more because the story is so drawn out. I think that’s what I like about them so much, honestly. They go into painstaking detail with the development of the story, in ways most novels and movies can’t, and the way most American TV shows won’t.
So, why can’t I sleep?
Because I can’t shut off my brain.
I’m thinking about what I made for dinner tonight and ideas it gave me for in the future.
I’m thinking about our plans this weekend. Bob is going to take me to see The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones tomorrow night. (Assuming I don’t want to go to bed early after this sleepless night.)
I need to find a doctor and make an appointment. That’s been on my mind a lot lately.
Ideas for The Pillow Game. Feeling guilty for neglecting so many of my creative projects…
And I’m thinking of Dusty and Xander. How I’ll never hug them again. They are both ashes now.
We still need to unpack the boxes that are piled up in our closets. It’s driving me nuts that I still don’t know where everything is in my own home.
I’m worried about my mom. She’s under a lot of stress right now for several different reasons.
And I’m thinking about the depression that never seems to fully go away no matter how happy my life is. It bothers me that it follows me everywhere. I might need more than one kind of doctor…